Essay- Ideas for improvement

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Essay- Ideas for improvement

Postby dany25 » Sat Nov 22, 2008 2:36 am

Hi guys,
I had to write an essay at school. After the first correction the teacher gave us the essay back. Now we have to correct it by ourselfs for the second correction.
I would be very glad if you can read it and find some suggestions for improvement.
Best Regards

School uniforms

A lot of schools want to introduce school uniforms.
Due to the opinion of many teachers this is a very good idea, because students come from different social classes and have different social backgrounds.
School uniforms give students the chance to fit in regardless of their social background.

Firstly, school uniforms are not very expensive.
Everyone can afford them. Most schools offer such uniforms for sale, therefore it is guaranteed, that
either families that are not wealthy or have more then 2 children can buy such uniforms quite cheaply in schools. It is also possible to buy used uniforms.
Designer clothes often are very expensive and a student needs at least more than 4 different outfits to wear at school, whereas a school uniform only consists of 2 pieces.

Secondly, the school uniforms are not only made in one color and one cut, but there are various possible combinations. For example boys can wear jeans in combination with a t-shirt. On cold days they can wear a pullover or a sweater. It is also possible to wear a shirt and tie.
Girls can wear skirts or jeans. To cover the upper part of the body, girls can either wear a pullover or a sweater, too.
A school uniform is not a dress that lessens the individualism of students. It is still possible to show creativity by wearing different combinations of the uniform and abide to the uniform rules.
Uniforms help students keep focused on school subjects and not on other student's clothes.

Lastly, one of the most attractive features of school uniforms is to prevent bullying because of social differences.
If a school introduces a uniform, all students are forced to wear it, there are no exceptions.
In fact, students at schools come from different social classes.
Therefore they wear different clothes, shoes and accessories.
These are triggers for school violence.
School uniforms help to erase lines between the social classes. Since all students will be dressed alike, it will be impossible to tell the difference between a student from a low income and one from a high income family.
Students wouldn't be judged by what they wear, instead of their personality
School uniforms will also take the students focus away from having the right clothes.

School uniforms are not very provocative, look great and help to minimize social differences.
They make people look like they belong together, so not only low income students should appreciate uniforms.
The low price and the opportunity to make the school community much stronger makes the school uniform so interesting for schools. In many ways, school uniforms should be introduced in schools as fast as possible.

Written by: Daniel Pawlowski
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Joined: Sat Nov 08, 2008 9:37 pm

Postby Benny777 » Sun Sep 20, 2009 9:05 am

Hey there dany25. Before I begin I just wanted to ask... is this essay supposed to be in paragraph format? If it is I'm assuming you just have it that way for the sake of clarity before you rearrange the sentences. I also noticed that you don't have 5 sentences in every one of your paragraphs. Are you supposed to have 5 sentences for everyone? Ok, I'll now give my advice.
I like the way you opened up your essay,
A lot of schools want to introduce school uniforms. because it shows that the topic you are discussing is relevant. However, the problem that I have with your introduction is that the last sentence in the opening paragraph, your thesis which is the main point you are going to show, is limited and doesn't hint at the other points you end up showing. The introduction is supposed to be a roadmap that tells the reader what to expect, so as I read School uniforms give students the chance to fit in regardless of their social background. , I expect that you're only going to show me how it makes other kids fit in.
Your 2nd paragraph is ok because you are obviously trying to express that everyone can afford to wear the clothes if we have school uniforms, which lowers the parity, but your 3rd paragraph makes the point the school uniforms allow style and do not "lessen the individualism of the students". You need to expand that notion in your introduction so that I can expect to see it. All of your main points in the body paragraph should logically flow from the main point of your essay, remember that.
I like the last point you make, saying it prevents bullying. This is appropriate to the "fitting in" theme of your thesis.
I like the way you wrap up your essay in the ending. The last paragraph should be about reminding the reader of the points you have proven, which you do nicely. The only problem with that paragraph is a grammatical issue. In many ways, school uniforms should be introduced in schools as fast as possible. When you say "in many ways," you are inadvertently expressing that the schools should do this in many different ways, which is NOT what you meant to say. Rather, you're better of saying "for these reasons, school uniforms should be..." which is grammatically correct, and also shows confidence in you, the writer.
To recap my first point, the most important thing you can do to improve the essay you have right now, is to expand your thesis so that all of the points you touch upon are introduced in the last sentence of your first paragraph.
Hope this helped:)
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Postby cristina02 » Thu May 06, 2010 10:19 am

Well the essay has perfect idea. The only problem I saw is the unity of the thought per paragraph. Every thought that has something to do with the major ides should have to be discussed in one paragraph. The thoughts seem to be scattered but you are just heading to one thought. In every paragraph, must deal with a new supporting idea.
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Postby Neo "The 4" » Sat Jun 05, 2010 5:14 pm

Hello everybody. I'm a newbie here. I want some helpful act to perfect my English. Can you give me your yahoo!messenger or something like that? Thank you :D
I am not the best person but i can make myself the best person!
Neo "The 4"
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Re: Essay- Ideas for improvement

Postby alan » Fri Dec 09, 2011 7:53 am

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Re: Essay- Ideas for improvement

Postby Mirage2u » Wed Jun 03, 2015 10:21 am

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Re: Essay- Ideas for improvement

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Re: Essay- Ideas for improvement

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Re: Essay- Ideas for improvement

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Re: Essay- Ideas for improvement

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Re: Essay- Ideas for improvement

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Re: Essay- Ideas for improvement

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Re: Essay- Ideas for improvement

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Re: Essay- Ideas for improvement

Postby juliab » Sun Jul 23, 2017 8:58 pm

Overall, I like your essay. You have good introduction, but probably it would be better to provide more examples. And I think you should rewrite the last sentence. It should be summary of everything you said above. In the future, it might be a good idea to hire professionals like essay service to correct your writing.
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Re: Essay- Ideas for improvement

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